List: Ten Cars Your Mom Would Hate (But You Probably Love)

By Seyth Miersma

July 02, 2010


Porsche Boxster Spyder: You don’t call, you don’t email, and then you show up in a Porsche that has a tent for a roof and belt loops for door handles? We really thought you were raised better than that.


Mazdaspeed3: God, we love being able to smoke the front tires, run a fast autocross, and also help our friends move apartments—all in the same car. Mom’s priorities are a little different, generally speaking, and won’t care for all the noise, or the whiff of tire smoke clinging to her clothes after you’ve gotten where you’re going.


Ford F-150 SVT Raptor 6.2: Does your mother like monster trucks, Baja racing, and/or sweet jumps? Does she like hair-band orange or “shred” graphics? Yeah, that’s what we thought. You’d better pick her up in something else, young man, and get a T-shirt that has sleeves while you’re at it.


Lotus Exige: The most difficult road-legal car to get into and out of. So tiny that every other thing on the road will appear as if massive. Creaky and bone-jarringly stiff at speed. Supercar fast, but with nothing like the luxury of a Ferrari or Lamborghini. What do you mean your mom doesn’t care about your lap times?


Chevrolet Cobalt SS: The souped-up Chevy might strike some mothers as simply a pleasant little economy car—at least until they go for the first ride. Screaming turbo power and a balky five-speed gearbox should ensure a maximum level of terror for the woman that gave you life. Apologize in advance, please.


Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X GSR: We actually think that the Evo X is pretty good-looking, but we’d be willing to bet that most mothers won’t be willing to give it a pass. Loud, poop-your-pants fast, and with an unforgiving suspension, the Evo is seemingly custom-built to earn someone a stern talking to.


Subaru WRX STI: Everything we just said about the Evo can apply here, too, as far as Mom is concerned. STI styling might accurately be described as being something that “only a mother could love,” but chances are that yours still won’t.


Smart Fortwo: There’s no getting around the fact that the Smart is likely to be considered “pretty cute” even if it’s not outright “pretty,” but there’s a fair chance that Mom still won’t be happy here. The Fortwo’s tiny size won’t feel safe (don’t even try to explain the tridon safety cell), and its nippy handling can certainly induce a scare or three.


Nissan GT-R: A land-based rocket ship, designed by Aliens, aphrodisiacal for the Japanese, that encourages the driver to post triple-digit speeds on any stretch of road longer than a driveway (and sometimes the driveway, too). The GT-R might actually impress the hell out of our mom, but after her first trip she’ll certainly fear for your life constantly.


Ariel Atom: Your mom doesn’t want to wear a helmet to ride in a ladder. Get out of here.

Porsche Mazdaspeed3: Ford Lotus Chevrolet Mitsubishi Subaru Smart Nissan Ariel

Okay, here are the rules:

1. Cars can’t be terribly attractive. Not all horrible looking, mind you, but nothing that Mom might call “pretty.”

2. Not too comfortable: In a perfect world, these would all be racecar-hardcore. In reality though we just want Mom to avoid using her favorite three-word car phrase, “this rides nice!”

3. The louder the better.

4. Level of scare potential should be really high. Mom should occasionally feel the need to reach out inadvertently and “seatbelt” you with her left arm (you know, to keep you safe).

We think our list of ten all score pretty highly on these four, entirely subjective criteria. As always, we wholeheartedly invite you to write in and tell us where we went horribly wrong.